Like some of you, I was intimidated by yoga. The outfits, the poses, the false notion that it was this exclusive club that only those with the quintessential, lithe ‘yoga body’ could belong to. A club that because of my body type, I could NEVER belong to. So, for years, it was a practice I avoided with great effort and success.
During my twenties, I decided to take a giant leap out of my comfort zone and attend a hot yoga class. For those of you who are not familiar, it is a yoga class facilitated in a studio with the temperature cranked to approximately 92 degrees. I mean seriously, I was sweating before the instructor even introduced herself! It. Was. Torture. Not because of the poses, or the instructor, but because I could not escape from my thoughts. From the moment I walked into that studio, I was already comparing myself to others and highlighting (with great detail) my physical flaws. I was envious of the coordinating yoga outfits as I looked down at my Paper Bag Princess version, and incredibly self-conscious that others were thinking “this woman is clearly in the wrong class”. The entire hour was uncomfortable and my self-conscious thoughts only seemed to amplify and intensify with each movement. Dear God, what if I fart in downward dog and the smell is trapped in this hot sweaty room with all these beautiful (and thin) women!? Surely they would know it was the giant, awkward, new girl! There was no enlightenment, or ‘flow’. It was sixty minutes spent drowning in a sea of my own sweat and self-loathing. When the chimes resonated to indicate the end of class, they also chimed my freedom from the hot hell I was trapped within. I was a hot mess .
I was so fearful to return to the mat after my experience that when I did get the courage to give yoga another chance (10 years and a whole lot of personal work later!), I booked private classes in hopes to avoid the fear and hot messy shame from before.
It has been a few months since I began practicing yoga regularly, and it has been an empowering and painful (emotional more than physical) experience that I would recommend to anyone. Through yoga, I learned how disconnected I had become from my own body (enter extensive memoir on the reasons why) and how to slowly return to myself through breath, intention and movement. Thankfully my instructor was patient, compassionate and respectful of my insecurities and created a beautiful space for me to begin the process of reconnecting to, and loving my body.
Here is what I have learned (and wish someone would have shared with me prior to my sweaty shame bath) about the practice of yoga; It is NOT about your clothes, your size, your shape, or whether you can contort your body like a Cirque Du Soleil performer. There is NO exclusive club, YOU belong .
Yoga can be a powerful and personal journey back to yourself. There will be moments of peace, joy, and relaxation and there will be moments of fear, struggle and frustration. It is all a part of the process. If you have become detached from your body, your emotions, or your thoughts, yoga can be the gentle friend to guide you back home. It is a personal practice where YOU get to choose what benefits to gain. It can be deeply healing for your mind, body and soul, or it can be one hour where you can escape daily stresses and lie down for five uninterrupted minutes during Shavasana.
If you are contemplating stepping out of your comfort zone, or had a hot messy experience like myself and want to try again, remember this: YOU belong and you are brave for just showing up in the face of your fears. If needed, you can find solace in knowing there is at least one other person in the class trying to keep their s&*t together, or possibly holding in a fart. Namaste ;-)