Heart Song

I have this vivid memory from high school of sitting in Grade 9 Math class, writing “Love is Impossible” on the cover of my hunter green binder. Over and over again, I would trace those heart wrenching lyrics from the Alannah Myles song; Love Is. At that time in my life, my heart had been somewhat hardened, or at least I was trying to harden it with intentionally constructed layers of cynicism, bitterness, seemingly fierce independence and “why bother trying? You’ll only be disappointed”. Love is Impossible was my self-protective mantra from further heartbreak. Not just the intense teenage-love kind. The heartbreak of feeling misunderstood, unseen, unheard, and so confused. The world I lived in, did not play the same music that was in my heart and I thought this meant that I was deficient somehow. That I was the problem. Change your tune Sheila.

As an attempt to avoid the pain of rejection from  the world, I used to try to please others (mostly my peers, in those days). I was the girl who would do pretty much anything to please the other person, including forsaking my own values, morals, body and heart. You see, I thought being lovable meant that I had to morph myself into what the other person needed. Pretending to like things they liked, doing what they wanted to do, being who they needed me to be. There is no “I” in team. Geez, there was no “ME” in team back then either. I tried to be a finely tuned radio, switching to whatever station the person wanted to hear. This meant I had to turn down the volume on my own heart song. It was too conflicting to listen to my truth, and meet the world’s expectations. Like blaring two different songs simultaneously through a set of headphones. . . overwhelming, confusing, and cringey.

When I look back at that younger version of myself, I want to wrap her up in my arms. Tell her to cry a river of tears and to let her heart break. I want reassure her I will be there, to help her pick up the pieces. I want teach her the true meaning of love, show her there is nothing wrong with the song in her heart, and let her know she is seen, heard, and loved. I want to show her how to feel it all and not feel like the world was collapsing in on her. I want to tell her to keep playing her own music and keep her heart open to it ALL. Although I cannot go back in time to do this, I often talk to that part of me that still exists within my heart. I share all these precious messages and let the hardened edges continue to melt away.  

For about a decade now, I have been on an intentional journey to turn the volume back up and discover my inner anthem again. (Since I wrote that last sentence, the song "Pump up the Volume" is now on repeat in my mind. . . You're welcome). I have read books, gone to therapy, sat in dozens of Ayahuasca ceremonies, taken various courses and workshops, conversed with people who inspire me, meditated, journaled, and pretty much anything else that might lead me home. I have been on a quest to hear my song again and each person, experience, and relationship has revealed the melody, note by note.

Is it fun? Sometimes. Enjoyable? Sometimes. Beautiful? Sometimes. Meaningful? All the time (although it is not always clear in some moments).  It is also painful and uncomfortable at times. Looking back at choices I have made, people I have hurt (including myself) and allowing myself to feel through it all. . . there were many times along the way I needed to stop for an intermission. This work was not done in a self-loathing, living in regret, kind of way. It was done intentionally and compassionately as a means to understand myself more, to feel through the pain that was suppressed within me, and to let go of beliefs I held that kept me dancing to the wrong music.

Being on the journey to love myself has been the MOST precious gift which keeps on giving. It's changed the way I see myself, others, and the world I live in. I can now laugh unabashedly at some mistakes, instead of hiding in shame. I know where to go to find my inner knowing. I am living more authentically and speaking my truth more often. It is a journey I will be on until my last breath, and I know there is so much more to learn. At times my pitch is off, and my rhythm unbalanced, but note by note, I am learning my anthem and slowly turning the volume up for the world to hear.

This year, I feel centered and clear enough to share parts of my journey, and some of the practices I have found helpful along the way, so I created the ReLOVEution course. I believe we need less people telling us how to LIVE our lives, and more guidance on how to LOVE our lives. ReLOVEution is not about needing to change you, it is about learning how to listen to you. An invitation to create your own definition of happiness and learning to dance to your own music.

Perhaps you can relate to aspects of this blog. Perhaps you’ve turned down the volume of your own heart song. Perhaps. . . it’s been muted for years. If any of what I have shared has resonated in harmony with a note in your song, then I welcome you to join me on the ReLOVEution journey. Some of my lyrics are; Learn, live and teach love. That is the essence and purpose of ReLOVEution.

Please know, this is not a sales pitch for ReLOVEution, or a “you should”, or an “I can save you” or an “I have all the answers” narrative. It is an invitation to check in with your heart, and listen to whatever is playing. If love is the destination, it doesn’t matter how you find your way, as long as it plays in harmony with your heart.

Wishing you love, wellness and the courage to dance to your own music. 

Sheila 

Photo Source: Unsplash/ Valentino Funghi